Mysteries Nolan Moore May 30, 2014Anyone who’s ever watched Animal Planet knows the world of Bigfoot hunting (aka “Squatchin’ ”) is a very weird world indeed. All Bigfoot believers are chasing an imaginary monster, and for every one for them who treats the subject with gravitas, you have 10 nutcases with completely crazy theories.
Most Bigfoot believers assume Sasquatch is some sort of hominid. After all, he supposedly walks around on two legs, has primate-like arms, and even possesses a humanish face. Of course, there’s always the possibility he’s actually an extinct ground sloth that evolved to look like an ape. According to one far-out theory, Bigfoot might actually be a member of the superorder Xenarthra, which would make him related to anteaters and armadillos.
This theory may not be based on evidence, but it is based on lack of evidence. For example, sloths have internal testicles. No one has reported seeing Bigfoot’s balls. Uncanny, eh? Similarly, sloths digest food slowly. It might take anywhere from one to three weeks for food to pass through a sloth’s guts. Perhaps that’s why we’ve never found the remains of a Bigfoot meal: Since he has a sloth gut, Bigfoot can go weeks without food.
The real nail in this crypto-coffin is the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film above. When you watch the video, pay special attention to how slowly Bigfoot moves. Why isn’t it running at breakneck speed to escape the backwoods paparazzi, you ask? Well, because it’s a slow sloth, naturally.
When Europeans came to the New World, they brought along all their viruses. Some researchers believe over 20 million Native Americans lost their lives to foreign diseases, and according to one theory, the same thing might’ve happened to Bigfoot.
The story goes that Bigfoot and all his hairy friends were having a grand old time in North America until the humans showed up and crashed the party. These short, smooth invaders brought along a bunch of new sicknesses, and the Sasquatch immune system just couldn’t cope. In addition to the viruses, humans were also packing weapons and kicked the Bigfoot people out of their territory, forcing them to retreat deep into the woods.
Evidently, Bigfoot are a lot smarter than they look. They figured out humans were bad news and decided to stay hidden. Over the years, Bigfoot elders taught their youngsters that the “Devil People” were monsters and not to be trusted. That’s the reason Bigfoot doesn’t come out of hiding and join humanity or try trading with us. They learned their lesson long ago, so they’ll just stay undiscovered, thank you very much.
Look up the word “elusive” in the dictionary, and you’ll find a photo of Bigfoot, although it’ll probably be a bit blurry. For some reason, Sasquatches are really hard to spot, and that’s troubling for Bigfoot believers. If there’s a whole community of giant ape-men living in the woods, how come more people aren’t seeing them? Well, perhaps it’s because they live underground.
Bigfoot could hide in caves and cover huge sections of forest by running through underground tunnels. If he gets hungry, Bigfoot could just snack on creepy-crawlies and fish that live in subterranean rivers.
But what about the pitch-black, soul-crushing darkness? Wouldn’t Bigfoot bump his head on a stalactite? Not if he can see in the dark. According to this particular theory, Bigfoot’s eyes might have a tapetum lucidum, the reflective layer in the retina that allows animals to see at night and look demon-possessed. However, prosimians (a group that includes lemurs) are the only primates with this ability. Could Bigfoot be some sort of lemur? Hold that thought. We’ll come back to it later.
This theory is perfectly sane compared to all the other “Bigfoot Lives Underground” ideas out there. For example, Dr. Richard Boylan posits that the Bigfoot people (along with giants, elves, and leprechauns) hide underground to escape mankind’s insanity. Ever since humans nuked Atlantis, these Inner Earth People have been camping out in tunnels, wearing “red-orangey suits,” and occasionally colonizing other planets. Hollow Earther Dennis Crenshaw thinks Bigfoot has sensitive eyes, so that’s why he spends his time hiding in caves, all the while plotting mankind’s destruction. Finally, Henry Franzoni claims Bigfoot can walk straight through solid walls. If it needs to get away from a pesky cameraman, it can just dematerialize and walk into a mountain.
Bigfoot and the Predator actually have a lot in common. They’re big, bipedal, and don’t exist in real life. They also both have cloaking abilities that allow them to disappear whenever people show up in the woods. Well, that’s what some of the nuttier folks in the Bigfoot community claim anyway, and it’s an easy explanation as to why it’s so hard to find this oversize monkey.
Some posit Bigfoot can vibrate his body at such high speeds that it distorts the light around him, causing him to appear invisible. Others claim his translucent hair reflects light like a mirror. Coupled with dark skin, these reflective hairs blend Bigfoot into the scenery like a special-ops sniper.
As proof, the cloaking crowd offers quite a few photographs—of nothing. That’s the whole point, after all. He’s invisible. If you look hard enough at these pictures, you can supposedly see Bigfoot’s outline, similar to how the Predator appears in the 1987 action film. Of course, the real culprit here is a lot of wishful thinking and a heaping dose of pareidolia.
We all know the story of how old brother Cain struck the blow that laid his brother Abel low. And we’ve all heard how God set a mark on Cain and cursed him to wander upon the Earth. But what happened to Adam and Eve’s son after that fateful day? According to the poem “Beowulf,” Cain gave birth to some rather ugly kids like Grendel and his dear old ma. And a few folks think Cain’s descendants roam the forests of North America today. Condemned to live apart from the rest of society, they grew long hair and morphed into terrible beasts.
Taking the theory even further, some Mormons point to the tale of Apostle David W. Patten. According to the legend, it was a fine day in 1835, and Patten was riding down a Tennessee road when a tall, shaggy man stepped out of the woods. As the tale goes, Patten believed the creature was Cain himself, and they spent the next few hours chatting about spiritual matters. Fast-forward a bit to the 1980s, and suddenly some Latter-day Saints started suspecting the figure was in fact the modern-day Sasquatch.
If you’re not partial to the “Cain Theory,” there are several other Biblical options you can choose from. Some say Bigfoot is related to Esau, Jacob’s older, hairier brother. Or if you want to get really screwy, there’s the “Nephilim Theory.” Fallen angels and human women got together and had Bigfoot babies.
No one can catch Bigfoot because he’s psychic, according to Linda Jo Martin. A self-proclaimed telepath, Martin believes Bigfoot picks up on the vibes of people traipsing through the woods. If it senses a cameraman or scientist coming its way, the Bigfoot disappears, leaving the glory hounds behind. That’s why Martin thinks it’s a good idea to bring a psychic along on a Bigfoot expedition. With the help of a little ESP, researchers could tell the Bigfoot they mean it no harm and even ask it to hang out for a little while. Of course, Martin warns that most of the time Bigfoot will probably say no.
Martin isn’t the only one who makes these claims. Writing for The Huffington Post, Connie Willies tells of the time she woke up during a camping trip and sensed two Sasquatches outside her tent. “This is what you came to see,” one of them said inside her brain, but Connie was too terrified to unzip the tent (or perhaps too unconscious to wake up). After deciding she didn’t want to see them, the Bigfoot disappeared without a trace.
Bigfoot is really good at vanishing, especially if Kewaunee Lapseritis is to be believed. The author of Psychic Sasquatch, Lapseritis says Bigfoot can slip in and out of various dimensions. Whenever it needs to escape, it just parts through the curtains of our universe and steps into the next. Lasperitis also claims to know Bigfoot’s true purpose on Earth. As it turns out, the big guy is actually a protector of the environment and uses its telepathic power to let people know they’re destroying the planet.
No, not the kind that posts irritating comments. We’re talking the sort that turns into stone in the sunlight and does battle with Jim Varney on Halloween.
Obviously, to accept this theory, you’ve got to believe trolls exist outside of Scandinavian folklore. Once you’ve cleared that minor hurdle, you can turn to the mountains of evidence. First, according to the theory, trolls are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical, meaning they mostly exist in our imagination. In reality, a troll is more of a “vibration” than an actual being. In fact, it exists partly in our world and partly in another. And since trolls aren’t totally physically here on Earth, they show up quite blurry in Bigfoot photos.
Still not convinced? Well, consider that scientists have never found Bigfoot hair or DNA. Since trolls exist on a different plane, any physical evidence magically vanishes. If you were to find any concrete proof of Bigfoot’s existence, it’d turn into a stone or piece of straw the very next day. Finally, the most compelling piece of evidence is that Bigfoot tracks often disappear into thin air. You could be following a perfectly normal set of Sasquatch prints when, suddenly, they just vanish. That’s because trolls can appear and disappear at whim.
Earlier in 2014, we learned Texas isn’t the greatest place when it comes to preserving mythological species. Since Sasquatch isn’t listed as a protected animal, hunters can shoot at Bigfoot anytime they want, so long as they can actually find one. California, on the other hand, is a bit stricter when it comes to cryptid killing, claiming they’d provide protection for the legendary beast if it actually exists.
Of course, if the folks at Crypto Crew (a paranormal investigative organization) are correct, then Bigfoot is screwed no matter where he goes. In a February 2014 article, the group revealed the possibility that the government is actually hunting down rogue Bigfoot. According to unrevealed sources, the US has assembled a special Sasquatch SWAT team that’s sent to deal with problem monsters. If a Bigfoot gets too close to human areas or starts attacking people, he’s going to end up in a body bag.
According to the same report, SWAT isn’t the only way the government deals with troublesome creatures. Freelance Sasquatch killers are hired to infiltrate the Bigfoot community and gather reports of Bigfoot sightings. When they get word of a pesky ape-man terrorizing hikers, they hunt down the creature and collect their Bigfoot bounty.
Anyone familiar with Bigfoot has probably heard the “Sasquatch Is an Alien” theory. People like Dr. Franklin Ruehl point to stories dating back to 1888 in their attempt to prove Bigfoot is an extraterrestrial who occasionally visits Earth in his UFO. However, some believers take this otherworldly theory even further, claiming Bigfoot is actually an alien servant, doing E.T.’s bidding on Earth.
One of these folks is named Lyle Vann. Quite the colorful character, Mr. Vann has claimed to have seen Bigfoot on at least 31 occasions, and that’s not counting all the times he’s met their outer space overlords. According to Vann, aliens need gold and other precious metals to power their spacecraft. However, Martians are sadly lacking in the muscle department. Since it’s difficult for them to haul all that gold, they have Bigfoot do the heavy lifting instead.
However, there are those who make Mr. Vann sound like Neil deGrasse Tyson. The enigmatic Jesse Denson is one of those fellows. Denson believes Bigfoot is a robot developed by several alien nations over the past several million years. Whenever they visit Earth, aliens slip into their Bigfoot ATVs and start meandering through the forests, controlling their suits manually or through brain power. These suits allow aliens to spy on humans, but they’re also pleasure vehicles, allowing E.T. to unwind from the galactic grind and run around in the forest dressed like a monkey.
Look in the mirror. Now imagine a Bigfoot. Notice a resemblance? Sure, but Sasquatch’s forehead is probably a bit bigger than yours, and there’s something strange about those eyes. Now look at a picture of a lemur. Suddenly, everything clicks into place. Bigfoot is definitely a human-lemur crossbreed.
While most of us were unaware of Bigfoot’s heritage, Texas veterinarian Melba Ketchum has known of the creature’s crazy origins for some time. With the help of enthusiasts around the country, Ketchum collected a wide variety of hair, blood, spit, and skin. Of course, nobody actually saw where these hair and toenails came from, but when it doubt, blame it on Bigfoot.
After gathering enough evidence, Ketchum ran a DNA analysis on her samples. Much to her surprise, she discovered the mitochondrial DNA was human, but the nuclear DNA belonged to an unknown hominid. Ketchum theorized that around 15,000 years ago, a now-extinct giant lemur mated with a female human. The result was Bigfoot.
Ketchum’s idea didn’t go over too well with the scientific community. As the human DNA in her samples undoubtedly came from actual humans, her study was rejected by every single legitimate science journal. However, it did pop up in a publication called DeNovo—a journal created expressly for her study.
Nolan Moore thinks that Bigfoot is hiding out in John Lithgow’s house. If you want, you can write Nolan an email or friend/follow him on Facebook.
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